I think I have thanatophobia

Similar to necrophobia, thanatophobia is the more specific fear of death itself, of being dead or dying. Thanatophobia is derived from Thanatos (θάνατος: “death”), the Greek personification of death. Thanatophobia is not the psychological phenomenon of death anxiety, nor the related but more philosophically-motivated “existential angst”; death anxiety and existential angst are not phobias. People suffering from thanatophobia are so preoccupied with death or dying that it begins to affect their daily lives. They may even develop other disorders as they try to cope with their phobia, such as obsessive–compulsive disorder or hypochondriasis.
Yes, I have a fear of death. Either i am the one who is death or people around me. But i most feared of losing my love one. Even my cats. I think i’m going to do this in malay. I express myself better in my mothers tounge.
Sejak hari khamis aku dikhabarkan dengan berita-berita kematian. Pelajar sekolah aku meninggal khamis lepas, selepas lebih seminggu koma, jumaat pula abang kepada cikgu sekolah aku, hari sabtu bapa kepada bekas pelajar aku dan semalam tanpa diduga sepupu aku meninggal. Ajal maut ditangan tuhan. Hanya Allah sahaja yang tahu bilakah kita akan dipanggil semula.
Pagi semalam sedang aku enak diulit mimpi, mak mengejutkan aku dan bagitau yang sepupu aku Nonoi meninggal sebab kemalangan. Aku agak terkejut cuma tiada perasaan sedih. Kami tidak rapat. Kali terakhir aku jumpa dia sewaktu arwah nenek sakit pada tahun 1999. Tapi semalam sewaktu aku melihat sekujur tubuh tertutup dengan kain batik lepas, rasa sebak dan terkilan singgah di hati. Aku terkilan kerana tidak berpeluang mengenali arwah dengan lebih rapat. Fitrah manusia, yang depan mata tidak dihargai bila tiada baru dikenang. Aku harap dia tenang di sana.

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